This year has hit me hard when it comes to taking care of my grandmother, and honestly, it should have been the best year of my life. It all started when my aunt came to visit back at the beginning of the summer of 2017. I’ll start from the beginning…

My aunt originally came to visit for only a week, or so she said. Once she was here she revealed that not only is she staying the month, but she wants me to organize a huge party for my uncle. James and I let it go and decided to be good people and see what happens. My aunt came in with the preconceived notion that it was her sister's house. She was unaware or didn’t care that her sister is a guest here, and she was the guests “guest.” I normally wouldn’t break it down to technicalities but in this case I will.

I was under the impression she was coming here to help take care of grandma, I wasn’t aware that I’d be another person’s caregiver. She never slept, required delivery of most food and drinks, and smoked like a chimney to the point where my husband got an asthma attack breathing in the second-hand smoke. Where ever we went outside, she was right there following us. James and I worked from home, so you see how awkward it got.

The reason why she would follow us all the time is that my aunt and grandmother would have heated arguments every day. I was quiet and respectful and never got into any of their arguments, I’d close the door so James or the children wouldn’t hear it. My aunt has a personality disorder, supposedly she has split personalities, and I am completely scared of her. She also stated that my great-grandfather raped her and abused her. The other repetitive argument between them is my aunt getting up at 1,3 and 5 AM to smoke and she would wake up the dog, and leave the door open. Thankfully the one time our cat got out, we got him back.

My aunt would say these horrible things to my grandmother, and once they went 2 days without talking, which carried over to a cookout my other aunt was hosting.

I took one opportunity to visit my brother in upstate New York, as the family was going to babysit their mom for four hours. I went to load things in the car for the kids, and I forgot something, so I quietly went back in the house to get the water bottles, and overheard a conversation she had with my uncle who came visiting from New York. He didn’t say anything because he knew I was there, but she continued talking to him about how dirty I was, and she can’t believe how her sister lives in this filth… I was in a rush, we left a few dishes in the sink… I was going to take care of it later… I pretended I didn’t hear anything. Then my other uncle came over and continued talking mess… on camera because there are security cameras on the perimeter of the house.  

My grandmother doesn’t know what’s going on, because she only speaks Spanish and everyone else speaks English so she didn’t know about anything until I came back. I yelled at my aunt and finally gave her a piece of my mind and backtracked all the horrible things she said to my grandmother, and she proceeds to slam the door of her guest room (my son's room) in my face and stays in there until the next morning. Eventually, she was going to have to use the bathroom. After that point, it was death stares until she left a week later.

Let’s add a graduate program for college, two young children, and a 93-year-old grandmother to the mix.

Let’s just say, it’s because of her we will never ever host long-term guests again.

Of course, I was the bad person in all this and of course, I embrace being the bad person now. With good reason.

We are not Mother Teresa; Were Caregivers

If you are a caregiver like me, you have maybe you heard the following statements from other people.

“Get her a babysitter.” When someone says something like this, it questions my friendship to them. One, my grandmother is not a baby and two no one knows her needs, and her schedule like I
“Why did you sign up for this?” I did not; it became a part of my
“You get to stay home all day.” Yes, I need to, my grandmother falls, she will not remember to take her pills, and she will not do most things without reminding. Yes, I stay home all day, but it is not what you


Today's post is for my fellow caregivers:

Being a caregiver is not easy, many people outside of your house will develop an opinion without knowing any information. People will always have an opinion, but will never help. You can see this when you ask for help, and people pretend you did not even ask.

Honestly being a caregiver is sad. Caregivers often feel abandoned, because they often care for everyone else, while no one acknowledges them. Being a caregiver is physically and emotionally draining, as I have endured many muscle sprains trying to pick up my grandmother after a fall.

We are not Mother Teresa; we get mad frustrated, we cry, and we wonder. It is normal to fall apart while keeping everything together. It is all a learning process; then we just learn as it comes along.

Advice:

Learn how to say no, an example of this is when my grandmother would continually make me get her lottery tickets. I know it is something so small, and I should be able to get it done in five minutes or so, but when she wanted lottery tickets two to three times a day, I refused altogether. I felt like a horrible person but then I realized she needs me, she needs to eat, drink, take a shower and get up among other things. You need to pick and choose your battles. It is okay to say no. Be a sheriff, get things done, create order. It’s the only way you’re going to get out of this alive when its all over.